CJ gave the orders. “Dig out these agapanthus, divide them, and plant them in a long row along this line of trees.”
He was giving these directions to the two new help exchange volunteers staying with us, a Belgian and a Korean. I was worried.
Little did these unsuspecting volunteers know that, in doing this work, they would be contributing to one man’s slightly crazed and deeply disturbing obsession. The next day, the Belgian and the Korean began digging.
Not native to New Zealand
I never knew what agapanthus were before I moved to New Zealand. You see them all over here, but they’re actually native to South Africa. They can’t survive the freezing winters in the any of the places I’ve previously called home.
Agapanthus have long, strap-shaped, evergreen leaves and their flowers are big balls of blue or white on top of tall stems. They’re incredibly easy to grow. In fact, they have a tendency to spread and sprout up in every nook and cranny imaginable, sometimes actually choking out native species. Because of this, some people in New Zealand consider agapanthus a weed. Not CJ.
In CJ’s world, agapanthus are a thing to be revered, treasured and, dare I say it, loved. And I don’t mean love as in “I love chocolate.” For CJ, agapanthus love is a bit more like, “I love my small, helpless child and would cripple and maim anyone who tries to hurt her.”
Except this small child is a plant. And not only is she perfectly capable of surviving a nuclear holocaust with no help from you, but once you bring her into your home she’ll start choking all your other darling children and replacing them with freakish alien space pods à la Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I’ve seen what they’ve done to our hydrangeas.
Some of our friends think I’m joking about CJ’s special love of agapanthus. To them I say only this, “Take a blowtorch to those weeds while CJ is around and see what happens. Go on. I dare you.”
So far, nobody’s taken me up on that.
Throughout the week, CJ and I came home from work each evening to find the Belgian and the Korean had made yet even more progress on CJ’s mad plan. The long line of agapanthus besides the trees was extending farther every day. It was a like some kind of botanical death march.
Agapanthus morning tea
Once, when we’d gone to visit friends for morning tea, we were having pleasant chit-chat when CJ complimented our friend Ruby on the agapanthus in front of her house.
Now, Ruby is from Thames and she’s the only person I’ve ever heard refer lovingly to her family as ‘redneck bush pigs.’ She’s not one to mince words.
“Oh, I hate those damn weeds,” she said to CJ. “Every year I go running around like a blue-assed fly trying to deadhead their nasty seedpods before they spread. I want to dig them out and burn the whole lot.”
CJ nearly choked on his tea. “B-b-b-burn them?” His mind was clearly racing. He had to do something. Finally he said, “Can I have them?”
Ruby shrugged. “Sure. If you want them.”
CJ set down his tea. “Can I borrow a shovel?”
“Now?” Ruby said.
So, while we sat there eating Tim Tams and sipping on Gumboot tea (AKA cheap English Breakfast), CJ ran outside and started digging out agapanthus. He was a man on a mission.
If you’ve ever dug out established agapanthus, you know they grip the ground with strong, clenched fists. But CJ was undaunted. He heaved and hoed, digging with Ruby’s shovel and then prying at the roots with a crowbar. Soon he broke into a mighty sweat. We could see him out the window, making a mess of Ruby’s front lawn.
I apologized and she said, “Hell no! It’s a huge help. Glad it’s him out there sweating like a heffalump and not me.”
Then suddenly CJ stopped digging. We saw him walk back towards the house, and when he stepped inside he looked a bit sheepish. “Um. Sorry, Ruby. I broke your shovel.”
“Aw, that old piece of horse shit?” Ruby said. “It’s older than the Treaty of Waitangi. No worries! I’ll just go borrow the neighbour’s one.”
Soon CJ was back outside digging away again, and the pile of Agapantus at his side was getting larger. Frankly, I wanted no part of this impromptu Agapanthus Rescue Operation, but I felt bad seeing CJ work so hard. I must love him, because I went out and started throwing those horrible weeds into the hatchback of our Nissan Pulsar.
Suddenly I heard a strange CRACK and turned around. CJ had broken his second shovel of the day.
There are times when a laid-back Kiwi attitude is a really good thing. Like when your guests for morning tea start compulsively digging up your lawn and then go breaking the only shovel you have, plus your neighbor’s too.
Ruby started laughing hysterically. She screamed at CJ, “Mate, you’re as mad as cut snake! They’re going to lock you up soon!”
CJ stayed behind and used the crowbar to pry roots free while I drove Ruby to the local hardware store, hatchback half full of agapanthus, and bought two brand new shovels.
Suffice it to say we stayed longer than expected that day, and when we left Ruby had large holes in her lawn where once she had had agapanthus. At least she and her neighbor had nice, new shovels.
End of the line
The botanical death march with the Belgian and the Korean was just last week – years after CJ dug Ruby’s agapanthus out of her front lawn. But CJ’s fondness for those plants has remained just as strong.
By the end of the week, the Belgian and the Korean had made a very, very long line.
CJ was thrilled. Every night he was outside watering them as we were setting the table for dinner. I joked with our guests. “He’s out there talking to them. ‘Are you okay? Do you like your new home?’”
Only after his babies had received their nightly watering could CJ bring himself to come in the house and sit down at the table for dinner.
As we ate, I felt a little uneasy knowing those agapanthus had multiplied and were now standing in a guard formation alongside the trees in the backyard.
In our house, I’m the only one truly in touch with what those demon plants are up to. First it was the hydrangeas. Next, I’m convinced, they’re coming for me.
What do you think about agapanthus, also known as ‘Lily of the Nile’? Are they gorgeous, or are they weeds?
This blog post, in an edited form, has become Chapter 21 in my upcoming book ‘Moon over Martinborough: How an American city boy became a Kiwi farmer’. The book will be released by Random House New Zealand in June 2013.
Related links
Image credit: The lead agapanthus image is from nzplantpics.com
Planting agapanthus!!! That is so, so wrong. Tut tut tut. xx
I do believe that day was when the term ‘geurilla gardner’ was used by CJ to describe my particular gardening style…..you know I cut the rest of them out with the chainsaw in blocks of root and earth – only way I could kill them off! Don’t fret CJ – you saved many Agapanthus from my evil clutches and thanks to your efforts, will probably go on to take over the world.
I’m sure Ruby was thrilled to see the back of those bastard plants and I’m thinking the holes in the lawn were probably filled with beautiful rose bushes!
This is very, very funny. I detest agapanthus for their shape, quite apart from the weed thing. But I won’t be the one to experiment with the blowtorch, at least not on your agapanthi (thusses?).
Oh, dear!! Agapanthus are definitely planning to take over the world..or the country, anyway. The are pretty, but knowing that they will overgrow the other things in the garden make me want to keep them at bay.
I love the idea of roots as clenched fists! I do like an agapanthus drive, particularly when they go blue-white-blue. We had some plants as a child, and they’d be a sure-bet snail refuge. But yes, tut-tut, noxious weed etc.
My goodness, y’all with your strong feelings about these plants make me GRATEFUL to live far away in a Swamp that will not support them no matter how lovingly the gardener speaks to them.
Just be grateful that CJ isn’t like a lovely Kiwi couple who came to visit me years ago and wanted to take some of those charming blackberry bushes home with them….I assume that Homeland Security still has them locked up in a padded cage somewhere. (The blackberry bushes, not Janet and Robert)
Aarene – the kiwi couple must have been ‘city folk’……nobody who has experienced the thorny rampage of blackberries would want to take them home. Their only saving grace is they have very nice fruit.
Don’t be too sure that it doesn’t grow here, Love. I’ve heard reports of Aga-P growing in Seattle and Puyallup. It could be sneaking up on us even now!
It doesn’t matter how much someone waxes lyrically about agapanthus – they’re bloody awful! They three uses – harbouring snails (evil little buggers), their fire retardant and effectively making me cringe every time I see their straggly ugliness. I love plants – but these things make my skin crawl.
Okay. If Anna – a woman who has a blog called ‘Love Plant Life‘ – hates Agapanthus, then it’s serious. Anna, perhaps you should rename your blog ‘Love Plant Life Except for Agapanthus‘…
Is there nobody on the pro-Agapanthus side? Nobody?!
Only CJ
When I first came to live in NZ I really loved the look of them, and then I found out what they really are and can’t view them in the same light (sorry CJ!).
I must speak in defense of CJ’s Agapanthus! I think they are beautiful! Being from the States, I did not realize they were such an infectious weed. Perhaps they are a relative to my violets here in Michigan that are beautiful even though they creep into the lawn and invade my garden on their path of destruction. I must be continually on guard to stop the invasion. But, as CJ loves his Agapanthus, I love my violets, so I understand.
No opinion on agapanthus but this was hysterical! I can just see CJ out there digging unwilling roots… I recall he feels the same way about lily of the valley — which are multiplying too…
If agapanthus are weeds then I’m a monkey’s aunt. What people? Gorse are weeds. Thistles are weeds. Agapanthus as just big blousy beautiful flowers with a stubborn streak to survive. I’m thinking of bringing some onto our land to bring colour. Our neighbour has recently planted a hedge of them. CJ, good on you. A man that appreciates the difference between weeds and flowers.
Coming from South Africa I have a moral duty to defend the Agapanthus genus of which there are quite a few species being pampered in the Botanical Garden of Kirstenbosch in Cape Town. May I quote from my botanical guide “… in order to flower well they need adequate water…”
Well, that’s in abundance in NZ and that’s why they take over and become weed-like.
By the way, CJ – Agapanthus comes from the Greek “AGAPE” meaning “Love” – so go on loving them !
This is such a fabulous illustration of how we value the difficult and hate the easy stuff! Here in Wales we struggle to grow agapanthus. It is a rarity, taken in over winter to the greenhouse, fretted over,worried about. A weed? Not here it isn’t!
So that’s what those pretty blue flowers are called. I guess we better pull them up. Sorry, CJ!
I like agapanthus – they remind me of holidays to the Isles of Scilly – where it is also trying to take over.
largely too cold for it in the UK – we might just get away with it here in the South.. but what with global warming.. maybe that would be a mistake and it will take over my plot.. after all someone is planting olive groves locally in antiipation of warmer temps :)
I have to say that agapanthus are a huge improvement on the toi toi’s that seem to be overtaking the place!! Looks good to me.
A certain person I know, who shall remain nameless, calls them (quite seriously) “aga-panthers”.
A weed is just a plant that grows in a place you don’t want it to grow. If CJ loves them, how could they be weeds?
Loved this post, Jared.
Funny!!! I spent $90 American last summer to buy three pots labelled “Peter Pan Lilly of the Nile” and LOVE them to pieces. They are awesome. I collected all the seeds and I hope the spread!
But I’m in New Mexico. They’re so much better that goat heads and tumbleweeds and bare dirt that I think they’re wonderful. No stickers, real flowers, and the dried stalks dipped in melted wax are pretty and make great fire-starters for the fireplace or the wood-fired hot tub.
Typo I can’t fix. :-(
“I hope they spread,” I meant to write. And here’s a bit about mine, the publication of which inspired someone to point me toward this post!
http://100speciesdodd.blogspot.com/2009/10/agapanthus-lily-of-nile.html
I just simply loved this post! Thanks for the nice laugh and great story. I was entranced from end to end and I must say those agapanthus look mighty nice in their new spots. Kudos to your exchange students. I was shocked Ruby had commented on here. She is most funny and was a great gardening friend to give you all those agapanthus. We here in my area pretty much all revere the lily of the nile. They are not hardy here though. They are also MOST expensive to buy. I simply love the few a good gardening friend gave to me. I grow them in a pot and the blue and long lasting nature of the blooms makes this one mighty desirable ‘weed’ here in my garden:)
I love Agapanthus and started collecting different shades of blue and differing heights so when we only had one flower head this year I was deeply disappointed. Being a lazy gardener I appreciate flowers that work hard and last long. Weeds?? Never!
Oddly, they’re relatively uncommon in the wild here in their native habitat. I have some miniture ones which take nuture just to keep alive.
Dave, maybe they’re uncommon there because someone dug them up and sold them in New Zealand, and New Mexico, and London! I’ll send you some seeds if you want. :-)
So they’re popular in the UK? I’m going to start trying eradicating them from NZ shores through export ;P
I was looking for a goal for 2010.
I adore agapanthus! But then, I’m South African. And yes, digging them out is torture. Best to scoop the babies that pop up alongside, much easier.
PS Gumboot tea?? I hope you don’t mean Twinings!! Tsk.
Melissa – it was Twinings. There is just no pleasing some people
Thanks for sharing this great story. I just returned from visiting friends in Thames. I loved the Agapanthus everywhere and was shocked to discover how much people despised it in New Zealand! I’m from North Carolina in the south east of the US. All my past efforts to grow Agapanthus have failed. The plant we hate most is Kudzu. It was imported from Japan in the 1920s and 1930s to use as a soil stabilizer and feed the stock. Unfortunately, it grew so well in the south (about a foot a day per individual vine) that when left alone it covered old barns, tractors, houses and cars in a short time. It can destroy a whole forest of trees. It is almost impossible to eradicate. Many of my family members have waged war against Kudzu. Be happy that Agapanthus doesn’t take down wooden buildings!
Sandra – all the agapanthus you saw in Thames were probably the ones that have taken over my mothers place. I told her once she goes, that I am going to pour petrol over them and set fire to the whole lot! She thinks they are lovely too.
By the way CJ, I was thinking of you the other day as I was destroying the few Aggies I have here. I almost sent them up to you as a present.
The South Island aggies are pussies – didn’t even break a shovel on them, but did bend it slightly.
Satans scourge down South here is Ivy and I have been using everything in my guerilla gardeners arsenal. I have done battle with this demon spawn before in Kapiti and after many months finally won, but I have come up against a much stronger opponent here – the stuff is so established it WAS a tree! Its now a stump in the ground which is going to get the chainsaw treatment. I think I have found a new plant to hate – I’m a happy gardener.
Ruby! You crack me up!
I just lurve agapanthus. They make the most beautiful photographic subjects – always there when you want them to be, very photogenic and never winge when you take 5 minutes to compose the shot.
They are quite pretty but I understand the weed-mentality. I have been hacking at Rose’o Sharon that has been trying to take over my garden for years. I chopped a tree to a 2 foot stump with a small rusty saw and the damn thing was back in a year, with friends. At least this plant is very pretty, they kind of remind me of a Long Island favorite – the hosta which is everywhere.
p.s. they make a lovely combo with sheep.
Oh, but those agapanthus are nothing compared to the jasmine that’s threatening to take over our entire house. We found some growing up through the walls!
to buy with confident for less
Oh dear, I planted a row of them just a couple of weeks ago! I wonder if I can get rid of them or have they already become shovel resistant? I should have known better. It’s taken me 13 years to get rid of a wisteria that a “friend” gave me when she wanted the pot it was in. At least, I THINK I’ve got rid of it.( But then I thought so many times.)
Never fear. If you remove the seed heads after the flower has bloomed, they won’t spread. Now if only there were some way to get rid of the jasmine that has taken up residence under our deck, and has been found growing inside walls!!!